Tag Archives: Neurodivergence

Autism-Adjacent, Part Two: Hopefully a Conclusion

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I have to begin this post with an apology. I haven’t been ignoring you all, It’s been a helluva roller coaster ride with health issues around here. Enough for a completely different post…

So, now where did I leave off…? Oh, yeah. The BIG, BAD DIAGNOSIS!

To be absolutely honest, I was aware of this “condition.” I’ve known since childhood. Thing is, I also honestly thought it didn’t fit me anymore. Like I grew out of it or something.

I guess not.

I was too ashamed to admit this publicly at first. It’s just embarrassing, especially as it’s not a “real” diagnosis. If you ask me, it ought to be. It’s every bit as difficult, socially and mentally, as the two (or more) conditions its related to. Problem is that, much like autism, people who don’t have the condition would never believe it. The bullying alone is damaging enough.

Granted, there are a lot of my “side conditions” that haven’t got much at all to do with the BIG diagnosis. Then again, there are definitely some that came right from it or were indirectly a cause. Like my anxiety, for instance. I do still believe I was genetically more vulnerable to that. However, my Mom had been badly bullied as a child and so was incredibly worried about me when it started to affect me as early as Kindergarten. So, what did she do? Like anyone trying to protect a child, she helicoptered. She and the mother of a friend of mine who was also a bullying victim, started a Brownie group. She was a room mother at my school. She was constantly watching me out the kitchen window unless I was at someone else’s house. I had very strict rules as far as where I was allowed to go and when, and even in the summer we were in the house after dinner, which was at the ridiculously early hour of 4 pm. Those are just examples, of course. There was so much, much more. But in understanding her, I can’t blame her. I just focus on my own healing.

So, what on EARTH is the big, bad diagnosis?

Well, this Venn Diagram is it. Yep. I’m not Autistic. It’s not ADHD, it’s not even OCD which is another affiliated condition (although I do have many similarities with that one, too…dammit.)

No, I’m GIFTED. WTF. Seriously. This is another one of those situations where people who have no idea what this means think it’s a “good” condition. Take a look at this diagram, though. Good? No. Honestly. It’s like people who have been plagued by the dead since they were children which is also called a “gift.” If you’ve ever met someone who encountered these Spirits as children, I’d say I doubt that it’s a gift. Seems more often to be a curse to those who suffer with it. And it’s the same thing with me. If you think being a teacher’s pet is hard, imagine what the entire school knowing your “gifted” does. It ain’t no fun, I’ll tell you that.

And although I know all that having lived with it all my life, it’s something I did start beginning to believe I’d grown out of it. Everyone else in the world had somehow caught up to me, I was completely normal. I don’t know. Maybe that was my self-defense system finally kicking in. Unfortunately, one of the major differences between gifted and autism is in the realm of emotion. My emotions are…insanely intense. INSANELY. I can’t hold them in, I can’t pretend I feel differently, I’ve never had to “mask” to fake emotions but damn straight I wish I’d been able to mask to hide my emotions.

That just made the bullying worse. When a bully smells blood in the water like that, they don’t stop, they beat harder. Then, to complicate things even further, I had no understanding from my home life. I was constantly told to toughen up, it wasn’t that big a deal, fight back with words. Granted, my words are one of my strongest weapons, but have I mentioned I don’t “fight or flight?” Nope. I “freeze or fawn.” That makes it DAMN hard to think quick and fight back with words or not.

Things were briefly better for me in Junior High as I had a large group of “outcast” friends. We looked out for each other. Three of them had been in my grade school class with me. Which was, btw, for “gifted children.”

My husband and his brother were in that class with me as well. 😉

The additional complication that gifted people have, above and beyond the symptoms and the bullying, is the profound feeling of failure and depression that occurs. No matter what you do or where you are in life, you’re not up to the expectations everyone placed on you as a gifted child. My life hasn’t been easy because of that. I expected the absolutely best just like everyone else did for me. At the end of the day, however, I failed at working, I failed at finances, I failed at a business, and to add salt to the wound (womb?) we were unable to have children making me a failure at even being a woman, a very basic thing. Maybe even the most basic. On top of all the oddities and eccentricities in my behavior that put the target on my back, the expectations of myself and others caused a lot of mental anguish. But, you know, I wasn’t supposed to actually show those feelings.

If you’re wondering, yes, you can have more than one condition the answer is, “yes”. Some of you might be even more complicated than you knew. It’s kind of hard-to-find resources online about adult gifted people. There are a few books on the subject, but to be honest I haven’t read any of them yet, so I can’t honestly recommend them. When I do, I’ll be sure to share them here.

And here we are at over 1000 words again. I told you my words are my weapons! Feel free to ask me anything you want. I guess it’s out on the table for the world to see now. Therapy is very helpful for this. My self-esteem is slowly coming back, my anxiety is slowly receding, and I’m starting to understand the things that trigger me. I can’t say that I have embraced being “gifted,” as I don’t know that I feel gifted yet.

I guess that’s the next mountain to climb.

And I don’t usually say this, but “likes” and comments would be warmly welcomed. This is probably the hardest blog I’ve written yet.

~*~ Camylleon~*~

Open Acts of Rebellion

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Yes, that’s right, I’m dipping my toe back into politics again. The times being as they are, I’m particularly angry at the patriarchy. Well, more than normal. More than before the elections. Gee, I wonder why. (Obvious sarcasm is obvious) So this is a warning that if politics aren’t your thing, you might not want to stick around. Also, this post will most definitely appeal more to women, both cis and trans, and some of our fluid friends, and less-so to those concretely cis or trans male. There will also be mentions, likely brief, of my own mental health journey. You have been warned! 

I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned, a few times, that I have some neurodivergence issues as well as anxiety and a whole mess of other fun stuff running around in my head. Some of it was a result of bullying and, well, parental issues. Most people can relate to all that, I’m sure. One of the side-effects was an absolutely abysmal self-esteem.

When I say abysmal, I mean I told my therapist I hate my face, and I meant it.

I’ve learned a bit about my dysfunctions now, and I’ve taken some steps to work on it. As progress came around and I stopped hating my face and moved into at least tolerating it, I started thinking about cosmetics.

There were a few other coincidental things that happened at the same time, like the mention of different influencers by someone I was already watching. Coincidence or divine intervention? Probably both, given my life.

You might have noticed, also, that a whole mess of people, mostly identifying as women, have been sporting bright red lipstick. When I looked into it, I found the rumor? Urban myth? That Hitler hated red lipstick and so it was considered patriotic during the WWII era.

AOC is one of the most well-known women with red lips these days aside from Taylor Swift. I’d have added her picture, but I don’t want to get sued!

Now, I can see that as a definite possibility as to why it’s popular now. But honestly, it’s a lot more complicated than that. Most things are, aren’t they?

So, as it turns out, nope. Hitler didn’t actually care about red lipstick in particular That was, and is, a myth.

However, its complicated, amirite? First off, red lipstick was one of the first lipsticks ever created. The Egyptians rocked it, for Pete’s sake.

As far as the “Western” (aka “white”) world goes, lipstick was “created” (because everything we ever do is new) so the man’s lips could be seen in all that hair when beards were all the rage. And because the male ego is so fragile in our patriarchy, they stopped using it as soon as women did, just like high heels and the color pink. Wimps.

Women have been fighting the patriarchy about makeup ever since. It was considered very naughty, like wearing pants, drinking, and smoking. We weren’t supposed to do it. Good girls didn’t. Like we weren’t supposed to have jobs, vote, or think. Let’s face it, that idea has survived through centuries now. Hell, I remember calling red lipstick “FMR” when I was in high school; “f*ck me red.” Good girls didn’t.

Thankfully, some of us didn’t listen.

During the suffragist movements of the early 1900s, red lipstick came out as a power move, a method of rebellion, of not taking the direction of men anymore. As far as “Christian western” civilization goes, that was the beginning.

If you’re thing is history and makeup, this channel is the BOMB. (Did I just date myself? Probably. *shrug*)

As Erin says in the video above, Hitler didn’t care. It cracks me up that Ava Braun had a tube of “Montezuma Red” on her dressing table, because the truth of WWII is that red lipstick was used against women. It was less about being patriotic or fighting Fascism, and more about being beautiful to maintain the men’s morale. Eye candy. Great. That kind of takes the entire point of the power of red lipstick away.

But let’s take another look at history, and culture right here. As much as Hitler didn’t hate red lipstick, it wasn’t encouraged for the most part. Women aside from those close to positions of power, were wearing the “natural look.” Women who wore makeup were considered cheap or tacky or, heaven forbid, “whores.” Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve heard the same BS coming out of the mouths of MAGA members and incel trolls on the internet. It’s come around again. Watch a few tutorials or walk around a cosmetics counter or aisle. Neutral, neutral, neutral. BORING and neutral has been the theme as of late.

If I ever see another neutral palette, I will not be responsible for my actions.

Also on the Internet, we have such a selection of Trad Wives to follow. Good girls, at home, baking bread and caring for their 15 million children. Straight out of Handmaid’s Tale, I swear. How are they dressed? No pants for the most part, neat, tidy, conservative, with no cleavage at all showing, and barely a shoulder or knee to be seen. Just like the Hitler Women.

The truth is that cults always control what is worn by its members. FLDS and their prairie dresses, Hare Krishnas with their saffron robes, Scientology with their imitation naval uniforms are all fine examples of wardrobe control in action. There are thousands more from more mainstream cults like Mormons all the way up to the far out of reality ones like Heaven’s Gate. Sometimes it’s a law and enforced, sometimes it’s a culture that’s readily adapted and accepted, but it’s almost always there.

It’s one of the ways those in power force us to walk in step.

And so, here is my decision. It’s not just about lipstick. It’s not just about red lipstick. It’s about creativity and freedom of expression. I don’t care which fashion you choose; it could be punk, goth, hippy, raver, disco, or alien. Rock that look; rock it hard. Rock it everywhere. Be a diva. Be YOURSELF.

It’s an open act of rebellion that we can all participate in. Yes, men are invited as well, because let’s face it, they’re not “supposed” to. Ha. Let’s show them they can’t break us.

The irony is that I finally found my “perfect” shade of red and decided I just can’t do it that often. My hair is blue, and I am waaaaay too fair skinned not to look like a flag. sigh

That’s okay though, I have some groovy shades of blue, purple, silver, gold, and even green now…🤣🤣🤣