Tag Archives: spirituality

It’s Just Business?

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Can I tell you how much I detest that phrase? I’ve never had any use for it, and some of the worst people in my life have used that as an excuse for all sorts of horrid actions. It’s never been just business to me.

But then, I think I’ve vented about that before. I am me. I’ve worked very hard, and I’m still working very hard, to be me. I will not divide myself into bite-sized chunks for easy digestion. It just doesn’t work that way. My religion, witchcraft, crafts, arts, politics, humor, disabilities, and neuro-spiciness can’t be parsed out.

When I was searching my brain for a business name, for a brand, as they call it, I wanted something all-encompassing. Like this blog, it was going to be my home, so I needed to be comfortable in it, and feel it expressed all those facets of me-ness. I’ve had a few bad business names in my life, and I’ve seethed with jealousy at friends who just had the best, most creative, most interesting business names. No one seemed to be able to help me with that, though. I don’t know why but all those friends with brilliant business names weren’t able to help me come up with one for mine.

I was on my own.

The breakthrough came when I managed to get an email address with no numbers or extra letters for the name of one of my all-time favorite movies; “High Spirits.”

It’s an older movie, so I expect almost no one has seen it, and of the few who have, I suspect you might not remember it. Without exaggeration, this is one of the most accurate movies about Spirits I have ever seen.

Yes, it is a comedy. I mean, with Peter O’Toole and Steve Guttenberg I doubt there was any doubt in your minds about that. And still, a very realistic portrayal of Spirits. They are, for me at least, very much as they were in life. I don’t see them, so I don’t see the disintegration of the body so much as depicted in this movie, although I’ve hears some psychics who claim to see them this way. I have the feeling for the movie, it was more of a costume decision than an attempt at realism, though.

Obviously, that’s about all my business has in common with this movie. But it was definitely the inspiration. I could see that some would assume it was “high” as in certain recreational and medicinal substances “high,” but that wasn’t part of my inspiration for the business at the time. It is one of my me-ness facets, though, as I do use that substance medicinally as I have peripheral neuropathy. It’s one of the few substances I have found that actually works for nerve pain and is an excellent substitute for the prescription medicine that would otherwise be my only other choice.

Not that kind of “high spirits”!

There is a play on words here, though. Because in Spiritism I learned that praying for the Spirits enlightens them. A word play that absolutely works better in English. As a polytheistic Spiritist, as opposed to the normal Catholic flavor, I don’t necessarily see prayer as the connection here, but I do believe that communicating, working with them, and caring for them does “raise” them in a way. It’s not as much a matter of getting into heaven as it is improving the life of their incarnation present with me in this time frame but also gives them something of an edge on the other side. The details are still a bit unclear, but it’s what I’ve been hearing lately.

Naturally, the exact name of “High Spirits” was not available on Etsy. Which is fine. I don’t think I’d want it to be exact as then there could be potential conflict with the movie. As much as it is an inspiration for my business name, I did like the idea of setting myself apart. The obvious choice for me was to add “Divine.” More word play for the win!

Divine because for most of us, at least, the Spirits I am creating for are considered “Gods.” Whatever that is. 😉Gods are, no matter their characteristics, the definition of “Divine.” A word play needs two different meanings at least, so let’s throw on there that I also use divination to determine what to do for whom. Well, often I do at least. Sometimes it’s more of a known factor, and sometimes I have to whip out my pendulum and ask. I’m slowly becoming less dependent on the pendulum which is a big “YAY”. For a third part to this fun little word play, divine with a lower-case d, as in my designs are “divine.” Beautiful, or at least I like to think so.

There’s part of the Origin Story for High Spirits Divine Jewelry & Sundries 🙂. There’s more, of course, and I’ll get to it one of these days. In the meantime, I have some Dionysus products that I need to get out and some edits on Brigid I’m working on!

Honestly, these two are having a great time being difficult!

Do yourself a favor. If you haven’t watched High Spirits, give it a whirl. It’s on YouTube for free.

It’s Wonderful

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Nothing’s Written in Stone

One of my favorite benefits to not following a written doctrine is that I get to “rewrite” my beliefs to my heart’s content. No one tells me what to believe, nothing at all is written in stone. I can bend, flex, shrug things off, and turn completely around as much as I like. I don’t normally do the complete 180 degrees, but I often go off at right angles.

My most complicated question for myself is what do I call myself. Not many people care, I think, and I don’t know why I do. Christians have it pretty easy with this. The denomination of the church you attend has a name, the church has a name. There are neat and tidy labels for everything.

With my just a “touch” of OCD, I do love labels. Too much. I guess in some way I crave them. I imagine the other factor in that it is damn hard to find a community if you don’t have a label. In order to agree on something, it’s sort of necessary to define it.

Granted, everyone seems to be okay with the myriad of terms that we all grab at to use daily. Pagan, neo-pagan, Wiccan, witch are all sort of used interchangeably. I wonder frequently if the people using these terms actually understand them. I mean, I knew a couple who proudly claimed to be “Wiccan” but had never heard of Aradia, which I would have considered mandatory reading upon a time. I guess I’m old! 😁

The long form of what I call myself, to those who actually ask, is “hard-polytheistic, poly-pantheonic Spiritist.” Even then I lose half the people I’m talking to. Few people seem to know the difference between “Spiritist” and “Spiritualist,” and lemme tell ya there is a pretty big difference there. However, even people who constantly practice Spiritism actually know what it is, or that it’s what they do. It’s what they’ve learned, and that’s what they practice, it’s just that simple.

Okay, it’s not actually that simple, but we’re not going down that particular rabbit hole today, if you don’t mind. If you really want to know and are just dying of curiosity, feel free to drop me a message or comment here, and I’ll get around to it!

I’m not even going to discuss the people who would tell me, vehemently, that you can’t work with Deities from different Pantheons. This is my belief system and I can do whatever I feel I am supposed to do, and it’s between myself and the Entities I Work with. You can do the same. I might think your beliefs are ridiculous, and you might think mine are. I won’t pick on you if you don’t pick on me. However, if you really feel pressed to tell me what I’m doing “wrong” be aware I’ll do the same for you. Also, thanks to therapy, I have learned how to use tools such as the “block button” efficiently and with great pleasure!

To review, I used to embrace the title of “Omnist.” It seemed to embrace everything all at once, which I loved. I still do, but it seems as though someone has organized some sort of religious grouping–church, coven, grove, temple, whatever–and named it Omnist. That wouldn’t bother me at all, except they seem to have dug up the old “ALL GODS ARE ONE GOD” thing, which is exactly opposite my own views. Once you’ve interacted with a Spirit of any kind, you get a feel for them, and they are all different. Extremely different, in some cases.

Whether or not I’m communicating directly with Gods or with their representatives or messengers isn’t quite clear to me yet but, they’re still different. With their own personalities, and methods of getting messages through to my very think mortal head. I just can’t get down with soft-polytheism.

As much as I want to belong to the right label, I equally don’t want to belong to the wrong label. So Omnism is officially out. For me, at any rate. Individual results will, as always, vary.

It didn’t take as long to find my very own personal term, one that I’ve never heard from anyone else, but is so incredibly simple that I think it’s moderately brilliant. Or not. Whichever, lol. As far as I know I’m the first, especially as there are so few people who actually know what Spiritism is, and that the majority of practitioners of Spiritism are Catholic (much as most of those who practice Voodoo are). They don’t really travel in “pagan” circles very often.

I know absolutely embrace the label of “poly-Spiritist.” Many, many spirits. Since my core belief gets down to one principle, that being that all Gods, Demons, Angels, Demi-gods, Daimons, Ancestors, Disincarnate Human Spirits, Fae, Orishas, Lwa, etc., are all Spirits, just different types of Spirits, I think it fits me pretty damn well.

Another difference between my own practice and others is the lack of worship. I don’t worship any Entity. I respect them, I love them, I cooperate with them, I give them “offerings,” and treats of various kinds, but it’s not in a spirit of worship. It’s rather in a spirit of love. I do these things because I want to, not because they’re demanded of me or because there’s some sort of pre-ordained ritual I must partake in because of the date or moon phase or what-have-you. We Work together. I can’t call it a friendship exactly, because they are not like me in many, many ways. But there’s no kneeling in this House. They’re my guides, my teachers, my family, my Guardians.

I am still a Witch, and always have been, always will be regardless of religious observations. Call it as you will, I practice magic or magick, whichever. I don’t often feel it necessary to perform much for myself or my family. There’s not much I have the need for in my own life. My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years, so I’ve no need of love spells. We have enough of what we need in this world, so I’ve no need of money work. I find myself with talent, time, and knowledge, but not a lot to do. This is why I’ve started my Social Justice Witchcraft. Unlike many, I am fortunate enough to have the time to Work for the larger world. For my friends, for those who are currently threatened in this social climate, for people not even here yet. That’s a different rabbit-hole, though. I’ll likely write about that sooner or later.

I am well and truly content in my life. If the phrase “by their fruits you shall know them” has any truth to it at all, I feel I must be doing something right. Which is why I say it’s wonderful. If the day comes that I have to fake Christianity in order to live, I could do that, but I’ll never abandon my Spirits. They are the wonderful that makes my whole life wonderful.

Fashionably Late, Part One: #OcculTea

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I watch an awful lot of YouTube videos these days. That habit began because I absolutely detest commercials, and only got worse when I started researching Etsy. YouTube is a wonderful resource for all sorts of educational information, if you’re careful.

As I’ve been “witchy” for about 35 years or so, I don’t normally watch a lot of pagan/wiccan/witch content. So much of it is just Wicca 101, or other 101 types of videos, and those are simply not relevant to me.

Or so I thought.

I got myself a TikTok account so I could watch my daughters’ videos. I quickly discovered TikTok isn’t really the place for me, or at least I’m not the TikTok video kind of creator. I like words, written words, so I can think carefully before expressing myself.

I also prefer longer content. I just don’t have the patience for tiny little videos and scroll, scroll, scroll…If a video is less than 20 minutes I feel jilted.

I did, however, find a few excellent creators over there who happened to have YouTube channels, and so I recently began following them. So that is how I finally caught wind of #OcculTea. As a woman with a lot of opinions, I couldn’t resist throwing in my two cents and change, so here I am.

This hashtag was started by three content creators from YouTube; Ella Harrison, The Redheaded Witch, and the Polish Folk Witch. Admittedly, I wasn’t following any of them, but I’ve now watched at least a couple of their entries about this topic. I’ll likely be watching more of them later, but I really didn’t want to be any later to this party than I already am. I believe the post was shared first to Instagram, not YouTube, but I’m not over there just yet so I’m not sure.

Introduction: Introduce yourself. How long have you been participating in the witchcraft online space? What practices and topics do you discuss primarily?

I have a whole page here as an introduction, but I’ll try to give a quick re-introduction in case anyone is here straight from the hashtag and hasn’t read it yet.

I go by Camylleon. Its a nickname I started with back when AOL first went to 13 characters from 8, and I was too excited that I was able to get a name that didn’t have to have numbers on it. That’ll give you an idea of how long I’ve been online.

I was immediately at least reading in the witchcraft spaces I could find back then, because it was a lifeline. Up to that point, I had been scrambling to piece together information from library books, what few books I could afford from a local metaphysical store, and what little they carried at Borders.

Yeah, dating myself again. Borders. That goes back, doesn’t it? I wasn’t posting as much back then. I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer. I was learning. I was looking for teachers, information, anything. Times were tough. I even went through a three-level Wicca school. Paid for a lifetime membership and everything.

So to answer the second question, how long have I been participating? Oh, I guess the mid 90s? If my math is right, let’s say about 30 years or so, give-or-take.

What practices and topics do you discuss primarily? I’ve only just gotten started, twice now, maybe three times really, with this generation of this blog so its still sort of hard to tell. I ramble a lot. I like rambling. I haven’t really ruled anything out yet.

My own practice right at this moment is hard to explain. I can’t call it worship exactly. I work with Ancestral Spirits, primarily, but there are a few Deities around as well. I consider myself an Omnist. All Entities exist and are valid; every last one. I might disagree about different qualities or aspects of the Entity, but I’ve no doubt they exist.

All Spirits are, at the end of the day, Spirits. I don’t believe that humans quite understand the differences between disincarnate human spirits, saints, orishas, lwa, demons, angels, demigods, daimons, gods, etc., etc.

Currently, I’m spending most of my writing on sharing my journey and how I got here from there. I think its probably the most relatable part of who I am. Its something we all have in common, we learn as we go. Sometimes its harder and sometimes its easier, but we seldom end where we began.

TOPIC ONE: IMPACT ON COMMUNITY

What is my personal reasoning/inspiration behind sharing my practice online? Do I seek to educate, learn, or connect?

I don’t know that I’ve actually thought much about it. I have a long history of having my privacy invaded, so I suppose in some ways this is the only way I can do it anymore. If its public, it can’t be violated?

Despite having an abominable experience a number of years ago with yet another couple of leeches, I keep thinking that maybe someone out there wants or needs to hear what I have to say. Maybe someone else out there feels the same way I do. Maybe they need the encouragement and information I wanted and needed 30 years ago.

What am I looking to achieve by participating?

Nothing, except perhaps to throw my opinion out into the void, get it off my shoulders, and move on. Its a release.

As far as educate, learn, or connect…

I’m always looking to learn. I’ll happily share any knowledge I have if that counts as educating. I’m leery of “connecting,” though, as the odds seem pretty much against me in that department. Although I will say that when I connect and it sticks, I do pretty damn well. The few friends I’ve kept are some of the best a person could hope for.

I just get hurt more often than not. Still, I’m here so I suppose I’m willing to risk it. Therapy. Therapy helps a lot.

How do I believe social media, as a whole, has impacted the community?

Its all at once wonderful and horrifying.

But then, I keep saying it is what you make of it. So I suppose that explains it. People are all at once wonderful and horrifying.

If you fill your feed with cute puppies and kitties, that’s what you’re going to get. If you fill it with seething hate-filled rants from people who have the complete opposite views from you because you love to argue, that’s what you’re going to get.

Social media is us.

How do I think social platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube have each impacted education/sharing information?

To me, two of those three haven’t done anything terribly good for either education or sharing information.

TikTok, in particular, is horrible. Sharing is easy, too easy. Anyone can do it, and it can be difficult for someone who is coming in with a blank slate to tell good information from bad.

There’s an awful lot of bad on TikTok.

There’s some good as well, but if I were going into it with no background information or damn good intuition to guide me, I’d be more confused or more misled, one or the other.

Both Instagram and TikTok are big on looks. The better you look, the better your following. They’re shallow platforms with unrealistic depictions of the “ease” of witchcraft, and if you ask me, the aesthetics of witchcraft.

I get it, its cool. Don’t get me wrong. I love the crystals and the mood lighting and the dried plants hanging all over. I want to live in the Practical Magic house, too. But that’s Hollywood, not reality. TikTok and Instagram are quite good at packaged sound bites of cute, repeated information. Not so good at actual education. At best, if you were looking at the Linktrees or other links in profiles, you might be able to find quality information if you dig. A lot.

Sharing, well, they’re both too good at that. Bad and good information travel like wildfire, and sometimes do as much damage.

I’ve also seen how peer pressure functions in those two platforms. There are fads, fashionable types or genres of witchcraft that I find suddenly everyone is practicing. Sometimes for the wrong reasons.

YouTube is slightly different. Not that there isn’t the same percentage of bad to good there, but to me there’s more variety. Longer video time also means its possible for those who want to provide information can share detailed, quality information. If they want to.

The problem there is that YouTube doesn’t exactly promote quality. It also promotes the pretty, the angering, the strong emotional reactions. So if you rely on the algorithm to suggest videos to you, you’re not going to find much. You have to be actively searching and in control of your feed.

It is also what you make of it. 🙂

Additionally, there’s a lack of good advanced information, and an awful lot of 101. I believe there are a lot of creators in all the different subjects on YouTube who just get burned out with being stuck in entry-level information. Its as tedious for them as it is for viewers.

Is consuming witchcraft content becoming a substitute for practice?

Not for me. Could it, though? Sure. Its not much different than people who read and research and research and read but never practice. That was me for an awful long time; I was simply not secure enough in my knowledge to do it myself, by myself.

That’s what can happen when people don’t have IRL guidance. When you have someone there to hold your hand, to walk you through it, its easier. Much easier, like so many things in life. Especially when people are shouting from the sidelines about whatever “law” you might accidentally break.

I finally got off of my ass and got to work, and once I did, I realized how silly I had been. I would imagine there are a lot of new, “Baby” witches in that same position. No shame.

There could also be people who will never actively practice. I don’t have a problem with that either.

If you know Christianity, or any other mainstream religion really, you quickly figure out that there are priests, lay people, and congregations. Not everyone is made to do the Spiritual Work. That’s one of the many reasons there’s televised services; not everyone can or wants to attend church, but they want it in their lives.

It doesn’t mean they’re any less believers, they’re any less pagan or what-have-you. Its just not their calling. They might attend large gatherings for holidays, post happy solstice messages on their social media, and watch as many witch or pagan videos as they like. It doesn’t mean they’re any less dedicated.

There’s a place for all of us.

Alright, I’m leaving it there because its quite long enough already! Part Two to be written when I’ve recovered!

Free to Worship or Not

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My years in Christianity weren’t exactly a waste, for all that they were debilitating to my psyche, I did learn quite a bit. Some of that was definitely painful and hard to extract from my brain later in life, some of it was life-changing and highly influential on my future spiritual and magical life.

First and foremost, the Bible became one of my hyperfixations. Well before I knew what that was, I had begun reading books about “The Book.” You’ll hear zealous Christians constantly push reading the Bible, over and over again. Memorizing verses, reading obscure books out of it, and of course, believing the interpretation of whatever guru-type-pastor is in vogue today. If you’re the type that doesn’t passively read, if you’re the type of person who thinks and analyzes while reading as I am, this is a sure-fire way to read yourself back out of Christianity. Because that’s exactly what happened.

I’m not just fixated on Christianity, I’m fixated on religion, and on mythology as well. When I started analyzing the Flood, for example, and realized that comparative religion and mythology had many similar tales, the passive reader might expect that is because the story is true. An active reader? I realized that yes, there were many similar stories. And I realized several were older than the earliest written Judaic text mentioning the story. So logic would have the older story as the more likely original.

Ummmm…

If you’re wondering, this is still something I’m absolutely obsessed with, although I find it rotates regularly with other fixations now. As an adult, I don’t have quite as much time to devote to these studies of mine. I’ve added into the mix cults and what I’d call para-religions. I feel a kinship with people who have escaped cults, likely because of all they have in common with the Evangelical/Charismatic religion I’m a refugee of.

Oddly, as its something I had to wrestle with, I also felt the presence of a god for the first time.

You can imagine, I’m sure, this was a real bear to merge together. I threw out Christianity whole; baby and bathwater altogether. But at the same time, I had experiences that could not easily be dismissed.

In the tradition I was raised in, there were three positions taken by the acolytes. The crucifer who carried the cross, and then the others who each held a torch on either side of the cross and just behind for the procession and recession. What I began to understand quickly is that the person who is the crucifer is the focus of attention and energy from the congregation. And in ECUSA, as in other traditions, there’s a reverence that’s given as the procession passes. If you’re even remotely sensitive (at the time I was very closed off energetically, its really amazing anything got thru at all, that will tell you how much I’m talking about here), you can’t help but feel that energy. You’re a funnel, taking all that energy, and its going through you to its destination.

And yes, that destination is a Deity. Ironically, most Christians don’t have any idea of this at all.

I did, and I do. It gave me a great deal of difficulty as I threw the entire belief system out, and wrestled with all the condemnation that came with that belief system. I embraced several different versions of paganism one, after the other, and every single time had to wrestle with where “God” and “Christianity” fit into my life.

Santeria and Voodoo were the worst. Those born into those religions have no compunction at all about blending African spirits with the Christian God, Church, and all its trappings. They don’t even blink. It hurt me so horribly, I can’t even explain it. Its like trying to use an overnight bag when you’re going to be away from home for a month. It just didn’t fit.

Here, at this place in the story, is where my hyperfixation comes in handy.

There are a lot of gods actually written of in the Bible, most of which are buried under layers of culture and mythology. Two are closer to the surface than most; Elohim who is actually a pantheon of gods under a primary god named El (Get it??? Beth-El??? After you’ve seen it once, El is everywhere in the Bible…I love tying things together like that!), and of course Yahweh. Thing is, both these gods were Canaanite gods. Remember the Canaanites? The ones the Hebrews were instructed time and time again to steer clear of? Those same Canaanites is exactly where their primary god came from, a mix of El and Yahweh. Turns out the Hebrews very likely were Canaanites who split off and claimed this God as the god of their tribe.

El and Yahweh have little else in common, frankly. El is the wise, old, white-haired gentle father god, and Yahweh is the vindictive, cruel god of storms, lightning and punishment.

This is the moment I became an Omnist. I see it so clearly now that its ridiculous. There are indeed two different gods of the Bible, or at least there are two primary and active gods in our world today. There’s Yahweh, the god of Evangelicals and Conservatives who instructs hatred of the fellow man, cruelty, and war; and El, the god of peace, love, and understanding who we learn of through the Christ of the New Testament.

Now, saying that either of those gods are gods doesn’t mean that I am called to them, or have any need to worship them. I can recognize that they exist along side my own Spirits because two things (or more) can actually be true at the same time. I don’t need El or Yahweh, and they don’t need me. I belong elsewhere. That doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you that you don’t belong with one or both of them. That’s your business not mine, and I’d no sooner try to tell you who to worship than I would tell you who to have sex with or not, for that matter.

I am now free. Free to work with Spirits who are under the reign of Christ or El (I’ll keep away from Yahweh as much as I can, but thanks anyway) such as those Spirits of Voodoo or Ifa that I love, and not have to give up my pagan ways. I can follow new pagan and magical directions as my own Soul guides me because I do get instruction directly from my Spirits; and who am I to say that my Brigid is your Brigid? Perhaps she’s different, and then has different requests and needs?

That’s a whole other can of worms though. I’d best stop here or I’ll never stop tonight!

This blog post was written after I’d begun my evening “medication” (medical marijuana) please forgive any awkward phrasing or grammar, I will go back over it when I’m in a more sober state of mind. Expect editing!

The Beginning

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As with most people in the US of A, I was raised in a Christian household. Not my choice.

Like so many of us in the US of A who were raised in a Christian household, it messed with my mind. More than I ever knew, honestly. At the age of 52 my primary care doctor diagnosed me with anxiety when I broke down in her office. Again. The very first time I’d seen her, three years or so prior, I’d burst into tears and had a heart rate high enough that they slapped an EKG onto me to check my heart.

That was fun.

I was surprised and relieved all at the same time. She gave me a prescription and recommended therapy. I am happy to say that all the above is covered by our health insurance, a privilege not everyone in the US of A has. I am taking FULL advantage of this as long as I possibly can. After a false start with a therapist who did not fit me at all, my second try was a winner and I’m now actually starting to put myself back together again. Its been a long, hard road. Turns out that aside from the generic, garden variety social anxiety and the super-special avoidant personality disorder that comes up now-and-then, I also am the proud owner of some lovely PTSD, straight from Christianity.

And most of the damage was self-inflicted.

My major anxiety is related to a need for approval, love, acceptance. The usual, I suppose. This includes a need for my father’s approval. My father’s father was a Baptist minister, his mom played the organ for their children’s ministry. He converted to ECUSA when he and my mother married. Sweet, I know, but he never did lose the fire-and-brimstone edge to him .Now, they’re both Catholic and things got weirder. But we’ll get there eventually.

As explained to me by my therapist, we humans start to develop our own moral system somewhere around the age of 12 or so. I smothered mine. I forced my square peg into the Christian round hole (why does that sound mildly dirty?) for years. Forcing myself to accept the good girl myth and all the restrictions that come with it. I did some serious damage to my own psyche as a result. Could I blame my parents? Sure, plenty of people do. The truth is, however, that I’m complicit in this, and I know it. I own it.

At the height of my involvement with the Church, I was an acolyte (“altar girl”), a member of Junior Daughters of the King, I assisted Sunday School teachers (until they figured out I was too young), attended youth group weekly, and Bible Discipleship once a week. Fairly often, my brothers and I would be called in to assist at the early services when other acolytes weren’t available. On the most involved week, I would be at the 7:30 am service as an acolyte, I would be working for Jr. Daughters to tend the altar between services and lay out vestments, then down into the nursery to attend to that for the 9:00 service, again, for junior daughters, then I would attend the 10:30 or 11:25 services simply because I hadn’t sat through services myself yet. After lunch, I’d be at the church plenty early for youth group, and then Wednesday nights I’d return for Bible Discipleship. And that doesn’t include classes for my Confirmation.

I was involved.

Not all of that experience was bad. There were some experiences that have stuck with me throughout the years. At the same time, the damage I did to myself, the emotional and psychological damage that was done to me by both other church attendees and my own father are things I now have to deal with. You just can’t keep up with those expectations and live under a constant fear of hell without some damage.

When I was seventeen, the dam finally broke and broke with style although I hid it well. I still hide it well. My parents, now in their 80s, have no real concept of how far from Christian theology I have strayed. Everyone else in the world knows, but not my parents. Not because I’m seeking their approval still but because I love them. My mother isn’t as strict of a Christian as my father is still, to this day, and we’re extremely close. I love them both. They are true believers, and have every right to their own beliefs. But I couldn’t live my life happily if I thought they were on their knees praying for my soul every day of their lives. I will save them the anxiety and worry that I carry, I want them to enjoy these last years on earth.

There will be time enough for them to find out when they’re no longer physical beings.

This was originally published on my soon-to-be deleted blog W.I.T. on March 26, 2023